Lonely toddler child standing in front of a window looking outside

The fundamental core injuries are maintained via varied defences and behaviours as a relationship problem needs connection with a therapeutic bond.  One needs to establish an empathic response with limits and boundaries, to curb one’s self-sabotaging reflexes. Resolution means healing the heart that’s been broken during infancy and throughout childhood, which may feel like a cocoon phase of 3-6 weeks of feeling intense fatigue, flatness and deadness.

This allows the body and spirit to generate a system reset, even those who may be unpleasant and frightened to feel the repressed emotions and bodily needs again. The individual who has not addressed and healed core wounds at a primal level is attracted to jobs or careers that involve psychological or medical interventions, such as rescuing and fixing people, with altruistic intentions to fulfil the needs of others. The painful craving and longing from emotional undernourishment during childhood lead to addictions and compulsions such as OCD, gambling, sex, etc., as these actions and behaviours fill the core void.


They are internally self-loathing through a learned response to neglect and rejection, continually beating themselves up for failings and imperfections. Narcissism is high amongst helping professionals devoid of empathy, who have decided not to walk down a dark tunnel yet believe they can take people down one. They continually struggle with individuality, unable to separate from their mother during early development with a learned obligation to care for their parents, expecting similar loyalty from clients and friends via dependency.

The parental narcissist wants a child exactly like them, a carbon copy or clone., where any sense of difference will be met with disappointment, disdain and disapproval, being criticised, shamed or punished. Depression manifests when the child cannot live up to the parent`s expectations, dreams, wishes and ambitions.

Pleasing parents and others above oneself creates a diminished sense of worth, seeking external approval and acceptance. People will treat us as dreadfully as we treat ourselves, where painful relationships become familiar, and we only leave these relationships when external abuse is greater than internal abuse. Continuous people are Pleased to win approval and affection, whereas a distorted perception of love with a painful longing and yearning for which can be gratified can make one physically ill or bring about death.

True love means frustrations, anxiety and anguish, not pure fantasies with unconditional love and idealisation. A lover who can replicate care and affection will be rejected out of hand for being boring and unfamiliar, as the drama and intensive need-seeking keep one way from their pain. With such an enormous sense of need that they believe will cause stress and pain for others who can’t handle it, they retrigger shame for feeling needy. Entitlement is a by-product of poor self-esteem, filling the hole in the soul at any cost with the displacement of emotions via projection.

“The narcissist /borderline (BPD) work very hard to convince themselves they are loveable via talents, abilities and seduction to compensate for their defective self.”

They become hyper-vigilant to stop injuries from happening again as shame may manifest as one cannot avert a reinjury and the experience of annihilation. Compelled to save the unsavable, they cannot respect or acknowledge their feelings, instincts or needs, leading to high susceptibility to forming and maintaining relationships lacking emotional reciprocity. Shame is embodied in the body`s core structure, where denial keeps us trapped in self-blame for our failures, keeping us hooked to dramatic, painful experiences.

The amount of recollection of childhood and lost memory is directly proportional to the amount of emotional pain. The subconscious mind never forgets and does not discern negative/positive affect. During therapy, little snapshots may come into focus, releasing images and feelings which have been blocked out or disassociated from. They develop an overdeveloped flight response with a non-existent fight response, where relationship failures feel all too normal as they seek out friends to comply and rescue their psychological deficits.

If you need me, you will never leave me. The unspoken agreement remains unchanged and reinforces long-established roles and comfort zones. Due to other aspects being split off, people with partial personalities are attracted to facets and features in others that are absent in themselves.

We look for others less fortunate as their pain is not as bad as ours, as it allows us to maintain a people-pleasing persona whilst avoiding tending to our inner angst and void. The parental message that “painful feelings are bad, and you need to snap out of it, grow up “is embedded and ingrained as the child deletes their own experience, invalidating their agony and agency. They have learned false self-defences and denial of feelings developed to protect the immature true self, locked in co-dependent patterning and conditioning.

“They don’t share, seek support or yearn for anything beyond survival needs, stopping instincts and intuition working properly, they make choices on what they think is right rather than what will best serve them.”

The BPD seeks out others with extreme emotional problems, as they need someone who loves being needed and makes them depend on them. Caregivers don’t allow others to suffer from difficult feelings, as they cannot accept and have their own, keeping the relationship locked in co-dependency. With a destructive, exhausting addiction to hypervigilance, they tend to work long hours, take on extra tasks, never take vacations and ask for a raise to confront their boss, to keep themselves busy and away from experiencing the inner void.

Creating an impregnable bubble sealed off from pain, bolstering an unfeeling co-dependent self who never risks feeling let down as this might feel like impending devastation and a form of separation, re-experiencing the traumatic paternal dynamics. They are caught up constantly feeling sorry for the other, unaware and unconscious of the impact upon themselves, even if they cause their pain, always making allowances and excuses to remain in contact.

The problem with Buddhism and the new age movements is they deprioritise our pain and feelings and put them on the back burner, suppressing vital energy and impetus for personal pursuits. The nonsense of karmic retribution for past life regressions and failings lets go of the anger and reinforces and perpetrates addictions. The twelve steps do not teach one to accept honour and function from all their emotions; even the darker ones, like anger, jealousy, and hatred, are prohibited. Recoverees are expected to amputate all-natural feelings, where they want you to continue shaming yourself for difficulties rather than putting the blame where it belongs as in your caretakers, parents. And society.

They mean there is no chance for recovery as the parent remains blameless and kept in a fused idealised state, where the child has not been able to separate to heal their core wound. The teaching of turning against anger keeps depression, anxiety and emptiness alive and powerless against addiction. The anger has been split off, and it Is needed to activate the aggression to start the separation process for recovery.

Many AA meetings will Shame the individual for seeking or expressing independence, repeating the early parental dynamics where the flock/family shunned any self-activation. This keeps us in societies all over the globe trapped in systems that repeatedly fail, shame, and reject us if we try to separate and individuate into self-autonomy. A vicious inner parent (superego) is overdeveloped with no inner peace if you can’t perform perfectly and properly, creating passive aggression, envy, and resentment.

True feelings and expressions bring unease and anxiety. The child develops adult behaviours of Sexually acting out, emotional withdrawal, sarcasm, and not coming through on promises due to a fractured sense of self with diminished trust in others and oneself. An abusive, unavailable father creates a man who wants to consume his mother to his detriment, as his child needs to fill his emotional void; they create enmeshed relationships, unable to create independence, emotional gratification and a successful lifestyle without the ability to feel remorse, guilt or shame with over “inadequate” affection and support to his parents.

Fear of commitment to avoid engulfment and closeness means bondage with a twinned fear of abandonment, leading to a loss of self, and the famous catchphrase of “Don’t leave me, I hate you “

An interpersonal conflict of deep longing vs fear of needing with a weak core means the caregiver lives a fast-paced, highly stressful lifestyle to avert difficult sensations to escape emptiness and depression that will surface if they slow down. The neglected child becomes a hypervigilant observer, always looking outside themselves, noticing other people`s moods, behaviours and needs. They constantly judge and assess every word and action, hoping others will accept them rather than living in their body, trusting and honouring their feelings, perceptions, and senses. Busybodies who can’t slow down cannot recognise and respond to feelings where thinking is all-powerful with a disease to please, over-giving and co-dependent. They are addicted to crisis and chaos, escaping distress and accumulating anger and resentment, establishing loneliness to maintain a level of unconscious deep trauma. Most therapists are treatment-averse and like to believe they have it all together and don’t need treatment. They go through life with no container, no skin holding them in, and no protection or engagement in life’s struggles. They have you walking on eggshells with very poor self-worth and invalidate your perceptions, as they are enmeshed and fused, unable to discern and separate feelings belonging to them and evolve the power of the self.

An impaired mother tries everything to keep affection and approval from the child via abandonment or punishment. They will have numerous babies in succession as they thrive on the child’s narcissism and dependency, idealising them unconditionally before the child starts to seek autonomy. Unmet /unresolved primal needs from infancy will always take precedence over adult needs, I.e. A woman can’t desire a man she can’t respect with no cognitive awareness of her hunger and need. They will never be able to choose a healthy, mature relationship as it’s unfamiliar. We can’t crave something delicious and satisfying if we have never tasted or experienced it before.

Someone emotionally available will not create a visceral excitement and response to a core damaged individual. The woman is in constant pursuit and seduction for an endless re-enactment of a child’s most fervent wish for a closer bond with the mother. The BPD expects abandonment and does not always fear it. The narcissist is convinced they are capable of intimacy and are available by taking calculated emotional risks with unattainable partners, creating a false reflection of their bond capacity. Once primal injuries of rejection are triggered, intense anguish, despair and rage will be felt and acted out onto the other. Unconscious in the body as one’s awareness descends, falling into the body with conscious experience diminishing.

The true self includes the somatic body as well as the psychological shadow.

They create a false self by overachieving, performing or rescuing and constantly responding to the needs of others. They were programmed to feel empty, worthless, and invisible unless they were doing it. The idea of simply being, staying present or meditating will prompt feelings of guilt and shame, where an ungrounded energy field of anger cannot be expressed and creates greater oppression in the world via projection. Their unconscious actions help imprison us in schools, society and religion, which all punish any expression of anger, self-activation or search for meaning and autonomy. We all need to step into our sovereignty and stop giving our power away as we are disconnected. We need to observe the anxiety created if we feel anger rising and need to observe what happens to our thinking, body and behaviour. We need to reclaim our energy and not let it eat us up from the inside, learning to speak out, express ourselves, and embrace our anger.

We need to stand up against tyranny, which stops our unique ways of expression. Try and get near water or visualise water as it represents the unconscious. Absorb the energy and find your creative flow. We must meditate and bring joy into our lives, working at a continuously higher level where we can open the doors in alignment with our higher self/soul. When we reach a certain height, we no longer need to place false idols on pedestals as we have outgrown them.

SCHREIBER, S., 2018. Do You Love To Be Needed Or Need To Be Loved? 1st ed. Denver, Colorado: OUTSKIRTS Press.