The defences are there to protect the ego persona against undue stress and ward off pressure and anxiety.
- The ID– the pleasure principle and the satisfaction of bodily needs, instincts and drives, acting unconsciously. Pleasure is the source of the libido and fuels primitive behaviours, acting selfishly with no thought for others or the demands of reality: childlike, pleasure-driven and orientated pursuits with no ability to delay gratification with a great sense of entitlement.
- The superego– the place of societal and parental rules and injunctions. We have internalised what is deemed good or bad, constructed from our relationship dynamic and experiences in life. Aiming for perfection and admiration, with a subjective moral compass if not working with their conscience.
- The ego -the mediator between id impulses and the super ego-imposed rules- is always in conflict. The facilitator of meeting long-term needs and avoiding harm may mask reality to resolve temporary anxiety, giving immediate relief against the onset of ego collapse.
The id is the horse wanting to go everywhere. The ego is the cart’s driver but never has full control, powerless to stop a stampeding horse. The superego is the driver, telling the ego how to manage the horse and developing better methods to keep the horse happy and content. The driver can listen to the advice or suffer the consequences when they avoid the straight and narrow path. Three common scenarios
- Id impulses in conflict with each other
- Id impulses in conflict with the super ego’s values and beliefs.
- The existential threat is posed towards the ego.
The subconscious notices, indications, and reminders will influence our behaviour even if we are not trying to change. What the conscious mind is not aware of is working in the background, repeating patterns of behaviour
The unconscious thoughts and ideas are outside our reach. We have repressed memories and experiences we can’t recall, the dumping ground where traumatic events are blocked out or locked away.
Four indicators of abnormality
- Deviance –behaviour and thoughts judged unacceptable or uncommon to the culture.
- Distress – having negative feelings that impact everyday living and functioning, leading to depression, agitation and anxiety.
- Dysfunctional – maladaptive functioning that impairs one’s ability to operate daily
- Danger – violence directed at others or against oneself with poor judgement, hostility to one`s well-being.
The level of inappropriateness, frequency of incidents and intensity determine the level of abnormality. The defence mechanisms are embedded with inextricable pain, where the pain has to be realised to change the ego defences. The experience of cognitive dissonance is when there is an incompatible state between one`s actions and one’s values and beliefs. The hierarchy of dissonance works as below.
Manipulation
Love Bombing
The aim is to win your confidence, overriding cautionary instincts and critical thinking.
- Condition you to expect affection so I can later withdraw it
- Lower your defence and make you more susceptible.
- Openness and interest in your life’s problems lead to seduction, exploitation and knowledge of weakness.
- Creation of the golden period – where the victim is always trying to recreate and is used against them
- Signal to the discarded and devalued old love object: I have met someone new and am happy without you.
The love bombing phase is an avalanche of desire and affection with a tsunami of love, saying only good things, helping you piece together your core wounds and raising your self-esteem. Why is love bombing so effective?
- No time to think
- Removal of benign influences
- Creation of false impressions
- Masking of the truth
- Promotes the establishment of the relationship
- The most sought-after emotion and experience
- Isolation via total support, being ever-present, keeping others away
Reflection
Perfect mirroring you and becoming everything you want and desire. At first, The conversation is about you and your needs, allowing you to pour your heart out to them, always gathering information about your emotions, family dynamics, who and what you like, ideas and beliefs.
Guilt
The method sends you back to childhood traumas and experiences, full of rules and prohibitions, causing you to be deeply engrossed in something you have fervently tried to avoid in the past. You are to blame for how they feel, and it’s all your fault. The guilt brings you back to learned behaviours and functioning your manipulator is far too aware of to use against you, for instance. Do not answer back or be punished and abandoned; you need to apologise and don’t do it again.
Intimidation
The use of continuous bullying and threats, where you will be punished for inappropriate behaviour or attitude. The threats work as plausible deniability, as you are the problem, not them. You will continue to appease the bullying and try to recreate the golden period, an illusion. You are reading too much into this, overreacting; you have an active imagination.
Triangulation
A third person uses a third person to split your experience into the real or the imagined, based on the third party’s perspective. The creation of an imaginary authority figure, mentor or competitor who may know more, look better or earn more money than you. The manipulator brings them into the conversation to confuse and destabilise your experience. You want to blame me, but the 3rd party agrees; he can see what you can’t; you must be wrong. Please listen; I am trying to help.
During the first devaluation stage, the abused will seek validation from an external source. Still, the manipulator will bring in their adviser; this might even be a family member or friend who has bought into your manipulator’s false image and demeanour.
Obsessing
A heightened state of anxiety leads to obsession as you begin to analyse every word, movement and behaviour, hypervigilant and paranoid, all induced during the devaluation phase. You become fixated, trying to solve the problems, unable to see reality and seeking the golden love bombing again as your core wounds are being reopened and exposed. Continuous worrying over something you cannot control can be exhausting and draining, making you weak and more dependent on the abuser for reassurance and validation.
Promised Gains
- They will open the door to heaven again and re-establish the love-bombing phase.
- Glimpses of attention by spending your money on you, be it holidays, clothes etc.
- The promise of something good is about to happen, which will never be delivered or fulfilled.
- I want to change for you; bear with me as I work towards it, even though there is no change in behaviour or actions.
Character assassination
They envy anything real and need to manipulate your identity, sometimes taking on your interests and traits, merging your identity. As they cannot relate to the feelings encapsulated in your activities, they become envious as you trigger their feeble, fragile sense of self. They must devalue what they envy to bring back their illusion of superiority by belting and demeaning your interests. They will roll out the smear campaign and tell as many people as possible to isolate, demean and devalue your behaviour, ideas and beliefs.
Denial
A defence mechanism is used to help you cope with a trauma or emotional shock until you can work through the event. I will experience pain because of my behaviour, which caused the event, and I do not want to acknowledge the behaviour as I will have to re-experience the pain. Denial is a belief you have done something wrong and is projected outward to avoid the inner pain. The final act of denial is to walk away and withdraw, cutting off further conversations or chances of closure. Always trivialise what they have done and justify the behaviour as necessary, and you deserve it.
Projection
They put the negative and unacceptable behaviours onto others and see it as belonging to someone else, absolved of responsibility and superior to you. They know the bad, unacceptable behaviour to avoid feeling themselves and experience a fragmented self. The pain they feel if they experience a dose of truth and reality can be overwhelming, and they will accuse others of the exact thing they have just committed. You are the dishonest one, telling lies.
Silence
The silent treatment is very effective and devastating when the abused tries to make contact or connect to resolve or find out what is wrong. This gives me total control and the ability to give and take at my discretion. You start to question what you might have done wrong and how you annoyed me, looking for a way to fix it and change. They don’t have to do anything; walk away, and you will come chasing like a madman. The anxiety created by the distance can be overwhelming, creating paranoia, vigilance, unable to settle and looking for triggers. They may withdraw sexual pleasure and activity as a punishment, and when you have mistaken sex with love and affection, you become increasingly frustrated. You may manifest arguments with more withdrawals and devaluing.
Gaslighting
Induced high levels of doubts in your mind, no longer able to trust your judgement, eyes and experiences, dismissing your self-esteem and core sense of self. The confusion stops you from being able to rationally and critically think. I will remain absolutely convicted to my perspective, saying this is the truth, questioning your position and beliefs. I will say one thing and deny it as long as I win and remain superior. I will move the object around and deny moving them, rendering you beaten and unable to fight, therefore complying with my needs and demands. As my reality is correct regardless of contrary evidence, the end justifies the means, knowing you will surrender before I do, as I never will give up. All this is used to deflect responsibility, as I want to leave you confused and frustrated, going mad and wanting it all to end, coming back to me begging with open arms.
Pity and isolation.
Your endless compassion to help others keeps reaching out and giving enough love to me, and eventually, it will all work out. If necessary, I will play the victim to guilt-trip you into submission, feeling sorry for me while I meet my needs and demands. I always suffer more than you and need more attention, as I can’t stand being alone and need to be looked after. I need you all to myself, focused on me and nobody else, as no one is as good as me and good for you. The isolation reduces third parties coming to rescue you, giving you advice or a differing outlook or opinion. I will identify the weaknesses in your friends and family and explain how they all exploit you and don’t really care about you. This drives a wedge between you and your friends, where I am always making you choose me, or I will leave, and it’s your fault. I will stop you from engaging in any social activities, like the gym or work, and you must ask my permission to do anything.
Bringing up the past and rage
You are never allowed to bring up my past behaviour or beliefs, and I can bring up all your mistakes. I have an amazing power of recall, be it distorted or limited, highlighting the main areas of your errors that affect your core self. I continually throw grenades and ammunition at you, leaving you defenceless and ashamed of your weak behaviour. I am allowed to be on the attack via rage outbursts, devaluing you and even physical violence as long as I get my way. I keep an ever-present fear around, making you walk on eggshells, terrified to make a mistake or upset me.
Ghosting
Ghosting is a form of relational aggression where someone suddenly ceases all communication and contact with another person without any apparent warning or explanation and ignores any subsequent attempts to communicate. Ghosting is often used to avoid conflict, but it is fundamentally a destructive move, triggering feelings of confusion, distress, and humiliation in the ghosted person. To ghost someone is to make an intentional, self-centred decision to leave a situation in a manner that inflicts trauma and shame while leaving the recipient without a voice. It is an act of discarding another without empathy, completely ignoring the other person’s feelings or needs.
Tudor, H., 2016. Escape. 1st ed. CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform.
Tudor, h., 2015. Manipulated. 1st ed. [ebook] Amazon Media EU S.à r.l. Available at: <https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B015WTJVCG/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i8> [Accessed 14 January 2018].
