The child rejects true love as they believe they are self-defective due to parental rejection and abandonment. They grow up into People who reject our humanness, becoming the driving force of existence to deny such existence. The developed duty over personal responsibility makes the person alive and the surrender of the will to others to participate in power. Duty negates compassion, our own pain, and the pain of others, a maintained survival strategy by denying weakness perpetuating the lie. Caught between being blamed for parental oppression versus hatred of parents
Obedience and performance are part of their internalised identity as a way to escape their inner emptiness and hatred. The greater the degree of submission, the less likely one is to be aware of their self-hatred. Incapable of feeling but have the image of a compassionate person, driven by self-pity and contempt. seeking approval for “good” behaviour and the need to please, but also feeling pleased about oneself for correct and proper behaviour.
Any challenge or confrontation with this correct behaviour will face violence in many forms. Spiritual, emotional, and maybe physical. One learns to pity oneself to avoid feelings of empathy and justification for those fulfilling the basic lie of the false self. Guilt manifests as the submission of will to authority, and their feelings and self-assertion become a source of guilt, activated as an obscure inner destructive rage. They Cling to a diminished reality, and their own true experience is abandoned, where the function of their thoughts is a function of their feelings.
Natural instincts are socially negative, with no investment in their own true will and inner journey, believing they are free. They hold others in Contempt for true “good behaviour “. They will challenge the parents or neglectful authority imago, never needing to commit as they follow orders and be good, compliant children/adults. They live in an Illusory dependency, rebelling against imagined maladies instead of their life struggles and imprisonment, implementing exploitative love like true love.
“The Mother dominates her son to boost her self-esteem, in the patriarchal society, but holds them in contempt for having to do so.”
- Rejects true love – has accepted and blames others for punitive oppression.
- Performance of duty is of sole importance and gives meaning and purpose.
- Surrender their will to others and participate in the power dynamics to avoid true compassion and empathy.
There is no need to tolerate tensions and experience anxiety if they deny their true feelings, with an identity based on others to escape their identity and the betrayal of the self. The True Mature self is full of free expression, responsibility, aggression, libido, and self-assertion.
A learned Emphasis and pathological interest in others erode and avoid responsibility, with a submission to force, where you must take care of them. Parental and authoritative introjections and acceptance are the collaboration of submission. They hate the enemy that may bring them into conflict with the idealised parent (Scapegoat). The more submission, the more self-hatred and self-contempt. These feelings would be unbearable if made conscious and present, where their self-hatred needs revenge and is the emotional force and driver for their lives. The change and decision came very early on, with nonverbal surrender to parental power and dominance, where they decided unconsciously to submit to others.
Most therapists aim to replace a good mother with a bad one, but normally, the client becomes dependent on them and sees the world and, therefore, has no need to grow up. Surrender of the self is perceived as a normal cultural reality; normality is submission to the crowd, authority, and others. Outer reality is created to manage, project, and accommodate the false self as they suppress their inner turmoil, cemented in fantasy and disassociated from any inner life. Due to an infantile ego structure, they cannot maintain inner coherence when faced with societal pressures., new experiences, or the stress of life. They have ideas of feelings and imagine and mimic responses that they are not experiencing themselves. They display feelings imposed on them and denounce true feelings, freeing them from weakness and vulnerability by participating in society’s power games and fantasies. When they can’t participate in the subliminal and fantasy, the hatred of others, those without a true self, will surface.
One can’t mourn without authenticity and can’t mourn a false self, especially one not separated from the primary paternal figure. The Narcissistic structure is developed (ego cathexis – the concentration of mental energy on one person, idea, or object, especially to an unhealthy degree) with the inability to feel and have authentic feelings. Rage against primitive feelings and love objects leads to destructive rage, making them feel alive and giving them a sense of self. They obscure and deny their mother’s exploitative behaviour and own helplessness for the seduction of power, an antidote to pain and despair. An Obedient person breeds self-hatred and a hateful society because of socialisation and the demands for submission. Any genuine guilt will illicit the reactivation of empathic sensitivity and the inner sense of shame, where they continually attempt to correct any wrongs and misdemeanours. An expression of guilt wins the favour of the authority’s figure/person, the primary weapon against autonomy. Sublimation and repression keep the rage alive and facilitate the reality of violence.
The battle between conformity and rebellion begins when the mother expresses male pathology and values (drive, power, and achievement) to enhance her self-esteem, holding contempt for a woman’s weakness, nurturance and vulnerability, and an unconscious self-hatred. The mother seeks admiration and compliance, where she feels powerful and important, unemphatic with no true feelings or a way to conceive right from wrong, breaking the will and assertion of the child for submission. The Good Mother, who shows her inner world and vulnerability to the child, creates despair in the impaired individual with a great threat to their psychic integrity: a learned hatred and deep unconscious fear towards people with genuine compassion and nurture.
“The Conformist demands the bad mother be kept good, as the good mother is rejected and split off.”
They spend their energy on social ideologies that distance their perception, embracing self-pity to justify a lack of empathy when faced with reality and away from their illusions, as they are always offended. The mother hates the father because he is weak, and she vents her destructiveness onto her children, spares inner conflict and the psychic breakdown and subsequently destroys the child’s good mother, where fear remains supreme and not love. The conformist child Will never stop rebelling and seeking out new avenues to keep them forever separated and isolated. The rebel insists on the good mother’s promises, fears humanity that would unite him with his inner experience, and would have to face the feeling of not being good enough to be close enough.
They impose their order over their fellow man, which allows them to cling to their diminished reality, insisting this represents the whole of their and everyone else’s experience. They need to conquer reality, as these people can’t tolerate suffering or helplessness and seek relief in the normalised reality that hates such feelings and denies their potential as a source of strength. Rage goes unrecognised because the genuine feeling would bring it to light and threaten the ideology and artificial feelings idealised to deny their needs. The Rebel fears the love he is seeking, while the conformist hates the good and loves the bad, with a Lust for power expressed by a loss of autonomy. These children must completely split these feelings off, surrender themselves as they must see a defect in themselves, and blame themselves for maintaining contact /love with their parents. They live in a world of fantasies and dreams to overcome their “Fault “because they are unlovable and have been rejected. The person is unaware of pain and death and yet beholden to it through power and surrendering their responsibility to others.
They have mastered or repressed their drives and instincts to fit into the dysfunctional reality, are loved for submitting their will instead of integrating them, mistrust their feelings and Instincts, and are seen as socially negative. They have split off their inner aggression and have no will of their own, dependent on the will of others, and need to be given direction and leadership, as they do have to commit to following orders. The Illusion is a form of “independence”, where one controls oneself, where compulsions and addictions take the place of genuine life, silencing the victim in themselves.
Ideology Vs feelings
True feelings threaten these individuals with psychic and emotional annihilation, the collapse of their external and ingenious self, and inner fears of chaos and insanity, where destructiveness and sublimation of nature are supported and tame the inner anxiety. They love the proper façade (narcissism), unaware their inner helplessness can’t be overcome, accumulating and experiencing power. Autonomy materialises when they can’t outdo others and can’t compete; they stop running and withdrawing from their inner experience and natural instincts. If social cohesion falls apart, faced with uncertainty and the unknown, their pent-up rage erupts, and the external enemy becomes painfully apparent.
Persisting hopeless rivalry against sexual love and love for hate, manifesting as
1. Defects acquired in childhood
2. Primary Ego structure defective and infantile (Arrested)
The Oedipus defeat manifests as defensive and compensatory structures, with low self-esteem and bouts of depression, yearning for reassurance and approval, and hunger for a response. They Overcome loneliness through erotic and grandiose fantasies, turning to romantic, cultural, religious and political fantasies because
- The deficit of primary mirroring by the self-object (mother)
- The Father fails as an idealised object
The submission Stunts the exhibitionistic aspects of the self, unable to find gratification in adult life that often breaks out in erotic fantasies, pursuits, and adventures, where women/men are fantasised as being under absolute enslavement to their every whim and control. The Secondary Self-object, normally the father, should go through the cycle of idealisation to failure to neutralisation, laying down a reliable, strong ego structure. The progressive neutralisation enables the transition from primary archaic exhibitionism, merging with another self-object and their emotions and experience, without rejection and abandonment.
The narcissist is striving for the primary objects’ internalised goals through excessive infantile ego demands, resulting in temper tantrums, if unmet, retreating from any delays in gratification. There is a gradual or traumatic decrease in responses to the maternal object due to previous apathy and lack of attunement. The impaired mother is overtaxed by the child’s veracity and frustrated by the child’s retreat; she will ragefully force her will onto the child to escape her sense of failure, therefore fulfilling her narcissistic needs and expectations at the expense of the child’s free expression and will.
Id- sexual love for mother (child ego state)
Superego – identification with a rival object (Father)
They have not achieved the internalisation of the idealised parent due to feeling worthless and inferior, whereas the idealised figures would help integrate the soothing self-objects. The bad layers of the self are lethargic, unproductive, aggressive, and numb, maintained by the unconscious repatterning of the interplay with the mother due to a lack of empathy and care.
Any thoughts of self-actualisation are transferred into body pleasure and external stimulations, depriving the child of psychic structures and further development. Frustrations of these drives and delays in their gratification keep the Ego locked in an immature state and stuck in the Oedipus complex. Fetishes and perversions are due to the absence of maternal empathy for healthy grandiosity and exhibitionism, returning to drive gratification (archaic pleasure gains), and keeping the relating unit with the mother in place by denying the lack of empathy. A merger with another self-object (father) is needed to spread anxiety, experience empathy and signal calmness.
To escape depression, the child /adult turns to oral, anal, and phallic sensations with greater intensity. If the primary self-object could be trusted, frustrations and delays could be tolerated, and the ego would contain the functions of the primary object (Mother). However, the infantile ego will contain the destructive rage and guilt for having their personal will and aims denied, therefore regressed in a pathology absence of paranoia. Guilt is reinforced by blaming the child for the parent’s inability to respond adequately to the child’s emotional requirements (learn to cope with frustrations better). The child eventually looks after the mother’s distress and inability to cope. The fantasy (especially sex acts) allows for the void of defectiveness expressed by rejection and abandonment to be filled without breaking the related unit and belief in a loving mother.
The child starts to relate to people as positive or negative parts, cannot maintain the relationship if they are frustrated or angry, has difficulty evoking loved ones if they are not present and struggles with object constancy. The impaired mother grows hostile, critical, and angry when confronted with assertive behaviour, as it counteracts the imagined feeling of being “loved, unable to appropriate the aggressive behaviour whilst fulfilling their narcissistic needs and demands. The narcissists can’t express or experience depression in any aspect of their lives as it means their grandiosity is relinquished and seen, perceived as vulnerability and inferiority. They need a narcissistic supply (admiration and approval) to reinforce their grandiosity and self-importance, leading to imagined perfection and uniqueness. The borderline approves and supports regressive and aggressive behaviour, unable to mourn and recover from any loss, stuck between fear of engulfment and abandonment. They need to be the centre of an exclusive relationship, using distancing in picking their partner who needs to be self-centred, aloof, and too busy to be accessible and intimate, which would trigger a psychic attack.
“The borderline has learned to cope with their mother’s absence by testing the merging between their false self-image with the idealised self-object (father)”
The dance of release, withdrawal, and return. The self-object dependency is based on an abundant fear of their mother by avoiding play and intimacy. The borderline father does not intrude on the clinging behaviour of the child but should be the force to oppose it, supporting the child in tolerating frustrations. The borderline father usually distances himself, saving himself from the mother’s pathology and allowing the mother exclusivity. The child’s wish for reunion with the mother is expressed by rejecting others, becoming withdrawn and inactive, and embracing the mother’s submission. If the child attempts to trust and love the dysfunctional mother, the mother will leave and abandon the child for showing weakness, vulnerability, and affection. The risk of attaching is lost and no longer taken.
- Experience good/bad emotions
- Expect appropriate entitlement
- Self-activation and assertion. Unique individuality and the tasks to achieve them.
- Acknowledgement of self-esteem -self-assurance
- Soothe painful feelings -not wallow in misery
- Ability to make and stick to commitments
- Intimacy – an expression of the true self
- Ability to be alone
- Continuity of self and development
Six Horsemen of the Psychic Apocalypse
- Emptiness (Void)
Functions of the ego
- Reality Perception
- Impulse Control
- Frustration Tolerance
- Stable Ego boundaries
One can develop individuation and separation with fluid ego boundaries whereby one can distinguish feelings and mental states that are external or internal. The narcissist’s internal world is projected onto the outside world, or they confuse external circumstances with internal feeling states. They continually seek immediate satisfaction and gratification, away from tensions and unconscious self-hatred due to obedience and submission to their mother. They have no awareness of their self-surrender through radical splitting off awareness, where revenge becomes their goal in life, intensifying their dependency. They fall prey to the illusion of power being the answer to their problems.
They will change only when they accept responsibility for the decision they made to submit to the power of others.
The intense pain caused by self-betrayal and the surrender of the self to a false reality, where any anxiety must be covered up as they flee from their suffering and react with violence to anybody who highlights this. Their inner world is inaccessible, and feelings are cast off with active participation in submission and pursuit of power. To secure a place in this reality, they roam in domination and complicit, with Ideas of feeling, not the experience of feelings, but the ones imposed on them and are not their own. They have a false image of acting properly, thinking, and feeling effectively, as they cannot and refuse to face the chaos, rage, and emptiness within them.
- Incestuous drive wishes vs. fear of punishment (castration)
- Needs of defective self Vs the avoidance of re-exposure
- Cohesion needs the presence of the self-object (self-object transference).
The loss of the self-object (mother) results in ego enfeeblement, collapse, regression, and fragmentation. The false self is the saboteur, the pre-oedipal development of the self. Brought to submission to avoid self-activation and assertion. They must be taken care of and embrace behaviours to feel good, whether right or wrong, to abdicate responsibility. They give their power over for approval, as I am doing what you want; therefore, you must love me. Feeling guilt – perceiving responsibility. Guilty feelings – fear of those in authority. The concern for the mother is an overt display of hatred for the self. They deny their innate humanness under the guise of concern for human beings. They have an inner self of vengefulness, where they must attack life around them to fill the void for a sense of aliveness.
Law and order and submission to the rules means they are morally right.